Ah yes I'm probably a tad too free nowadays. Actually no, it's just that I'm making it out to be so. In fact, I have a thousand and one things to do, that I just can't bring myself to. Either because they are too trivial (it's the small things that are often the most not-worth-it to do), or that they look too big for me to handle (and somehow there is the thinking that if I leave it till later, it'll somehow get smaller and look more manageable). THAT is the problem with me.
No, I refuse to admit it's procrastination, and with good reason too. I am still doing whatever I need to do now, just that it's perhaps at a slower pace than I expected. I'm occupied with something at any point in time, but I definitely think/know I could probably juggle two or more errands/things on my mind at any one time. This has been quite perennial (meaning that I've noticed it for around 6 years), and the best (or worst) thing is, for some/most things, I do place others before myself. Let me illustrate: let's say I'm supposed to get a new handphone for myself, and while that would obviously benefit me plenty, along comes Person A who asks for a favour, whether I could help them vet an essay or something that is within my power to help with (this is important, because if I can't do it, I can't do it. I can try, but I can't do it. Makes perfect sense. To me). When faced with such a circumstance, the natural choice is to vet the essay first, even if it takes half a day (a few did) and requires back-and-forth correspondence, way more effort than the new gadget.
But I think I know why. Somehow, I respond way more agreeably to something that is offered/expected of me. Even homework (I consider it a request from the tutors), if it's within my power, it'll be done. But if it's something like going out to buy new clothes, there is just so much inertia. Sounds really off-putting, but at times, what dominates my to-do list or timetable are others' to-do lists and timetables.
Or maybe it's because I'm just averse to the unfamiliar. Most of the time, I shy away from new environments, am reluctant to try something out, just because I have never done them before, or don't really know much about it. Take the example of getting that handphone - I've probably only done it twice thus far. The first time it was simple, I did it with my parents, and this gives me the security I'm getting the best deal, with somewhat perfect information, and besides, I didn't think much of it then. The second time round, it was just a matter of getting a second-hand one from someone else, and since it had to be non-camera, simple! It's different now, because of the wide range - the different models, features, but what's most important is, which one will bring me through university well and adequately enough (talking about the apps, the plan, etc.). To others it may seem like an inconsequential, back-of-the-mind thing, but to me, it's like getting a house. I wouldn't want to regret any decision made, but certainly this can't last, can it? But this has probably waned over the past years, and rightfully so; I can't go into university or my future career with such a close-minded and self-defeatist mentality. It comes across quite clearly in whatever interviews I've been through as well, in the rather conservative, pragmatic (and sometimes self-effacing, as one of my teachers described me) answers I give, and the seemingly non-sequitur statements I sometimes spout, and then the panel will go 'huh?', and when I explain myself, they actually understand (or at least they seem to). Now that I read back the previous sentence, it truly exposes me as the dull, intellectually boring person I really am. But I like that.
It's a good trait to adopt. At least I don't mind helping others as much as it seems to affect other people quite adversely. At some points in time I felt like this way of doing things that I adopted was being taken advantage of by others (read: in the land of the green), but oh well, at least I'm the good guy, which makes the other party the bad guy, and that at least I didn't have it on my conscience. And I don't want my life to just be about me, how much fun I've had, how well I've progressed. Perhaps knowing that you've helped someone (a bit, a very little bit) along their journey is a blessing in itself. Why not help if I can help, you know. That said, I'm not a very charitable person in the sense of giving back to society, doing community work. I did some before of course, but those experiences probably just popped right onto my lap and I took them up. I don't get particularly struck by a certain cause and then go out of my way to find out how to help or contribute to that cause, applying to organisations or starting an initiative.
But maybe I should start trying. And maybe this time, I'll be able to do it.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
A year!
Wow, has it been long since I last set foot here. But just in time to chronicle some of life's wondrous changes that have happened thus far.
Rewind back to April 2010: first commissioned, but me and my fresh face walked smack into one of the East's oldest camps. Got told that my posting would change, and became quite abrasive over that (and rightly so might I add!). But to condense a full nine months' of adapting, tolerating, learning, and even some fun into a few sentences is almost unimaginable, yet our human endeavours to always go beyond the limits to achieve the ultimate pinnacle of laziness and at the same time, practicality, amaze me to no end. And so it shall amaze you too.
Taking on my new role was not an easy pill to swallow, I'll be the first to admit that. I was probably very aware of the fact that how I looked, how I behaved and how I thought and acted, were very much dissonant with the people I was about to meet, and who will ever be really ready for that? But being thrown into the deep end had its own merits, and I, somehow or rather, found myself climbing that steep learning curve faster than I imagined possible. Somehow, they endeared themselves to me, and even though the work was pretty much gruelling and sometimes impossible, I told myself I should just try my best, and if anything went wrong, God was always there anyway. Many things did go wrong, but at least from where I stood, they didn't seem to go spectacularly wrong, so that was good. Going to Taiwan for the second time in two years; taking over the upperstudy too quickly for my comfort (to his credit, he was a fantastic upperstudy); having to manage the idiosyncrasies and different personalities of my subordinates and at the same time balancing their interests with my superiors' targets, deadlines and taskings; helming one of the many backend projects in a huge behind-the-scenes effort to support the nation's most prominent sporting events; finally taking the evaluation test we were all preparing for and worrying over - all of it seemed awfully like work, and it was. But more than that, it gave birth to a new sense of self-awareness, again grappling and finding out where I could improve on, and how best to react to a certain set of challenges. I'm so entirely grateful for all the opportunities and chances I had to interact with people, work with deadlines and keep the faith, and I could not have fathomed just how much I have learnt in my stint with this group of people - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the impossibly amazing. All of them probably wouldn't even chance upon on this, but it is to them I owe my eye-opening experiences for the most part of 2010 and a little of 2011.
In all of this, I've realised that my social circles have been changing dramatically. Now, the only people I usually and often meet who I've known before 2009 are a meagre few, and I do feel quite bad about it. Many of them have attributed this to my MIA-ing during the training phase, and it's quite true indeed; back then, I had barely enough time even for myself. As much as I would like to close the previous chapter in life and move on to the next, it is definitely unwise to archive the former and not bother further, but perhaps to leave it peeking open would be the best option. I've also begun to be more adventurous in terms of exploring certain conversational topics with friends, but I prefer to think that this was pretty much the case even from the start, just that this trait has yet again been enhanced and sent to the forefront of my psyche - where there should be no OB markers, but just free-flowing expression that delves into the previous no-no's of religion and politics, while at the same time inhibiting any vulgar or offensive barbs, especially those that stem from others. Maybe I'm just taking this all a bit too seriously, but a sincere conversation can do so much for those taking part in it. The sense of adventure has also extended to my taste for travel, and having gone overseas in a short span to Vietnam, Thailand, New Zealand, and soon, Indonesia and Thailand again, my hunt for bargains and good, affordable food have always been met with some measure of success.
This probably sums up my year till now, and oh, the constant 'agony' of settling on the right course of study as well, but that remains to be another experience to relate once I can make enough sense of it.
Rewind back to April 2010: first commissioned, but me and my fresh face walked smack into one of the East's oldest camps. Got told that my posting would change, and became quite abrasive over that (and rightly so might I add!). But to condense a full nine months' of adapting, tolerating, learning, and even some fun into a few sentences is almost unimaginable, yet our human endeavours to always go beyond the limits to achieve the ultimate pinnacle of laziness and at the same time, practicality, amaze me to no end. And so it shall amaze you too.
Taking on my new role was not an easy pill to swallow, I'll be the first to admit that. I was probably very aware of the fact that how I looked, how I behaved and how I thought and acted, were very much dissonant with the people I was about to meet, and who will ever be really ready for that? But being thrown into the deep end had its own merits, and I, somehow or rather, found myself climbing that steep learning curve faster than I imagined possible. Somehow, they endeared themselves to me, and even though the work was pretty much gruelling and sometimes impossible, I told myself I should just try my best, and if anything went wrong, God was always there anyway. Many things did go wrong, but at least from where I stood, they didn't seem to go spectacularly wrong, so that was good. Going to Taiwan for the second time in two years; taking over the upperstudy too quickly for my comfort (to his credit, he was a fantastic upperstudy); having to manage the idiosyncrasies and different personalities of my subordinates and at the same time balancing their interests with my superiors' targets, deadlines and taskings; helming one of the many backend projects in a huge behind-the-scenes effort to support the nation's most prominent sporting events; finally taking the evaluation test we were all preparing for and worrying over - all of it seemed awfully like work, and it was. But more than that, it gave birth to a new sense of self-awareness, again grappling and finding out where I could improve on, and how best to react to a certain set of challenges. I'm so entirely grateful for all the opportunities and chances I had to interact with people, work with deadlines and keep the faith, and I could not have fathomed just how much I have learnt in my stint with this group of people - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the impossibly amazing. All of them probably wouldn't even chance upon on this, but it is to them I owe my eye-opening experiences for the most part of 2010 and a little of 2011.
In all of this, I've realised that my social circles have been changing dramatically. Now, the only people I usually and often meet who I've known before 2009 are a meagre few, and I do feel quite bad about it. Many of them have attributed this to my MIA-ing during the training phase, and it's quite true indeed; back then, I had barely enough time even for myself. As much as I would like to close the previous chapter in life and move on to the next, it is definitely unwise to archive the former and not bother further, but perhaps to leave it peeking open would be the best option. I've also begun to be more adventurous in terms of exploring certain conversational topics with friends, but I prefer to think that this was pretty much the case even from the start, just that this trait has yet again been enhanced and sent to the forefront of my psyche - where there should be no OB markers, but just free-flowing expression that delves into the previous no-no's of religion and politics, while at the same time inhibiting any vulgar or offensive barbs, especially those that stem from others. Maybe I'm just taking this all a bit too seriously, but a sincere conversation can do so much for those taking part in it. The sense of adventure has also extended to my taste for travel, and having gone overseas in a short span to Vietnam, Thailand, New Zealand, and soon, Indonesia and Thailand again, my hunt for bargains and good, affordable food have always been met with some measure of success.
This probably sums up my year till now, and oh, the constant 'agony' of settling on the right course of study as well, but that remains to be another experience to relate once I can make enough sense of it.
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