Me me me me me me me

Ah yes I'm probably a tad too free nowadays. Actually no, it's just that I'm making it out to be so. In fact, I have a thousand and one things to do, that I just can't bring myself to. Either because they are too trivial (it's the small things that are often the most not-worth-it to do), or that they look too big for me to handle (and somehow there is the thinking that if I leave it till later, it'll somehow get smaller and look more manageable). THAT is the problem with me.

No, I refuse to admit it's procrastination, and with good reason too. I am still doing whatever I need to do now, just that it's perhaps at a slower pace than I expected. I'm occupied with something at any point in time, but I definitely think/know I could probably juggle two or more errands/things on my mind at any one time. This has been quite perennial (meaning that I've noticed it for around 6 years), and the best (or worst) thing is, for some/most things, I do place others before myself. Let me illustrate: let's say I'm supposed to get a new handphone for myself, and while that would obviously benefit me plenty, along comes Person A who asks for a favour, whether I could help them vet an essay or something that is within my power to help with (this is important, because if I can't do it, I can't do it. I can try, but I can't do it. Makes perfect sense. To me). When faced with such a circumstance, the natural choice is to vet the essay first, even if it takes half a day (a few did) and requires back-and-forth correspondence, way more effort than the new gadget.

But I think I know why. Somehow, I respond way more agreeably to something that is offered/expected of me. Even homework (I consider it a request from the tutors), if it's within my power, it'll be done. But if it's something like going out to buy new clothes, there is just so much inertia. Sounds really off-putting, but at times, what dominates my to-do list or timetable are others' to-do lists and timetables.

Or maybe it's because I'm just averse to the unfamiliar. Most of the time, I shy away from new environments, am reluctant to try something out, just because I have never done them before, or don't really know much about it. Take the example of getting that handphone - I've probably only done it twice thus far. The first time it was simple, I did it with my parents, and this gives me the security I'm getting the best deal, with somewhat perfect information, and besides, I didn't think much of it then. The second time round, it was just a matter of getting a second-hand one from someone else, and since it had to be non-camera, simple! It's different now, because of the wide range - the different models, features, but what's most important is, which one will bring me through university well and adequately enough (talking about the apps, the plan, etc.). To others it may seem like an inconsequential, back-of-the-mind thing, but to me, it's like getting a house. I wouldn't want to regret any decision made, but certainly this can't last, can it? But this has probably waned over the past years, and rightfully so; I can't go into university or my future career with such a close-minded and self-defeatist mentality. It comes across quite clearly in whatever interviews I've been through as well, in the rather conservative, pragmatic (and sometimes self-effacing, as one of my teachers described me) answers I give, and the seemingly  non-sequitur statements I sometimes spout, and then the panel will go 'huh?', and when I explain myself, they actually understand (or at least they seem to). Now that I read back the previous sentence, it truly exposes me as the dull, intellectually boring person I really am. But I like that.

It's a good trait to adopt. At least I don't mind helping others as much as it seems to affect other people quite adversely. At some points in time I felt like this way of doing things that I adopted was being taken advantage of by others (read: in the land of the green), but oh well, at least I'm the good guy, which makes the other party the bad guy, and that at least I didn't have it on my conscience. And I don't want my life to just be about me, how much fun I've had, how well I've progressed. Perhaps knowing that you've helped someone (a bit, a very little bit) along their journey is a blessing in itself. Why not help if I can help, you know. That said, I'm not a very charitable person in the sense of giving back to society, doing community work. I did some before of course, but those experiences probably just popped right onto my lap and I took them up. I don't get particularly struck by a certain cause and then go out of my way to find out how to help or contribute to that cause, applying to organisations or starting an initiative.

But maybe I should start trying. And maybe this time, I'll be able to do it.