THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY POST SO I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT

"Greetings, people of Cramada!"

*a resounding silence followed by half-hearted attempts to start uproarious Applause but because everyone is so timid they don't really catch on and thus the half-hearted attempts remain just that and soon after they die down because the people who started them aren't exactly brave either*







*more resounding silence because the speaker was dumb enough to expect Applause because of the temporary trend of being fashionably late but apparently the Applause just seemed to be like some over-grown full-term baby unwilling to pop out and instead the nurses can only see its damp head swathed in black and nothing else*

*eyes scan the cavernous hall, trying to detect some signs of life. Any life*

*clearing of throat because that's the only thing one can do when one is nervous, utterly embarrassed, and acutely aware of one's dismal situation, all at the same time*

"I, the Deputy Executive Senior Minister of The Order of Calendar, Associate of the Greats of Cramada, Rear-Admiral of the Seventh Division of Murmur, and disputed Ruler of the Eastern Regions, *catches breath*, am deeply honoured to declare the 12th day of March a day of great celebration and reflection, a day when the senior will reminisce the great feats of our Founder, and a day when the young will begin on the foundations of their character."

*pauses for dramatic effect*

"From the deepest recesses of ancient history, our great Leader demonstrated immense tenacity and powerful resolve. It was his ever indomitable spirit that has seen us through the ages, living on in each of us, empowering us to excel and to forge frontiers. His strong character and principled actions have instilled in us the greatest sense of humanity and community. It is as thus we are the most powerful and yet the most compassionate of beings, while not even being remotely interesting nonetheless."

*dry cough from the deepest recesses of the hall*

*stare*

*glare*

"We have certainly come thus far, as a nation, as a people, as a family. While we prosper, we should never take things for granted. Like that time, when I told the coffeeshop auntie to prepare coffee (what else) for me, I took it for granted that she would brew me premium Blue Mountain coffee, since I'm the Deputy Executive Senior Minister of The Order of Calendar, Associate of the Greats of Cramada, Rear-Admiral of the Seventh Division of Murmur, and disputed Ruler of the Eastern Regions, *catches breath*, but no. She sneered at me after that, and said that she was the ultimate ruler of the Nether Regions. Whatever. I still rule in the Eastern Regions."

"And we should never bow to other countries, but we must embrace the Outsiders with open arms. After all, that is what our Magnificent Moomoo would have done. His gentle empathy for other beings and aversion to narrow-mindedness are enduring lessons for our citizens. For we cannot be called true Cramadians unless we effortlessly display that level of graciousness. And you over there. Yes you. Yes the one with the ugly shirt on, stop looking around, I'm talking to you. Now get over with the small talk and listen. No no, don't give me that constipated look. I hate it when people do that. Pay attention or else you will get to know what happens when you interrupt an Associate of the Greats of Cramada!"

"As it is often said among Cramadians, the sh-"

*GONG*

*Another grand-looking person holding a gigantic clock a la Alice in Wonderland waltzes up to the podium*

"That will be enough, Deputy Executive Senior Minister of The Order of Calendar, thank you very much. I, the Enduring Timekeeper, would like to note that time is of the essence here, and it seems that you took too much Brand's this anti-night. That is, might I add, anti-legal in Cramada because we don't believe in its said properties."

"We will now, at this point in time, partake of a Minute in Silence, to commemorate His Greatness' penchant for quiet and solitude, before the Annual Carnival of noise and anti-silence. Let the Minute begin."









*after one minute of silence, which wasn't too hard to achieve anyway and would have probably dragged on longer, if not for the Timekeeper's addiction to anti-tardiness, because everyone was too disinterested*









"Thank you for your kind cooperation. Please proceed to Wing Five for the reception, and to Wing Four for the special durian cream puffs. Might I add that the aforementioned puffs are only to be consumed before meals, in the example of our Most Esteemed Comrade. Those who intentionally pit themselves against the glorious memories of the Conqueror, please proceed to Wing Ten. You will be accorded appropriate treatment. Thank you and have a great Founders' Day."